Posts
Frustration with God
I have always had a distinct, unshakeable sense of what is right and what is wrong. It’s a calling I didn’t always want; there were times in my life when I just wanted to walk away, to pull away from the spiritual weight of it all. But God never let me go. Every single time I tried to distance myself, He drew me back. He kept a hold on me.
Yet, walking this path hasn't meant an easy life. Legally, relationally, we all get dragged into the brokenness of this world. I look back at two failed marriages. One of them was with someone who was completely pretending to be a believer. The other, perhaps she believed back then, but she doesn't practice it now—maybe she doesn't believe at all anymore. Ultimately, that part isn't my business. I’ve made my own share of mistakes with women along the way, too.
But for the last four or five years—starting about a year before I moved to Yakima—I changed my focus. I stopped looking at the distractions and began focusing entirely, deeply, on God. I chose to align my life with Him. I’ve researched, I’ve dug into the Word, and I’ve engaged in the debates and asked the hard questions. It genuinely spurs something powerful inside my heart.
And that is exactly where the frustration sets in.
I know we aren't supposed to compare our journeys to anyone else's. I know it isn't right to measure my life against other Christians. But it is so incredibly hard not to look around. I had a friend, a believer, who went through a divorce. Just six months later, he found the right woman. She fit him perfectly, she made him a better person, he became a better person for her, and everything was good. I have another friend I grew up with who has a small child; he got divorced, and now he’s out there dating, moving forward.
We are taught that God chooses to bless people, that He arranges lives and aligns steps in the way that is absolutely best for us. But when you are the one sitting in the quiet, trying your absolute best to do what is right while watching everyone else's lives get arranged into beautiful pictures... the waiting feels less like a blessing and more like a heavy, frustrating silence.
Seeing all these other people find the right person for them, even after they made a mistake with the first person they chose to marry? It leaves me more than a little annoyed. It leaves me a little bit angry.
At first, I didn’t even know you *could* be angry with God for something like this. But the truth is, the Bible is full of people who were angry about the way their lives went. And right now, I feel like I am upset with God. Yet, at the exact same time, I feel this deep frustration because I tell myself I *can’t* be upset. He is God, and I am just a human. Who am I to question divine logic and the planning of an Almighty Creator? He knows everything. I know very little. It is a profoundly exhausting, circular trap to be stuck in.
But what makes it even more frustrating is that nagging question: *Why not me?*
If God is the one making these decisions, choosing who to bless with a relationship, why has it been so long for me? Even after I dedicated my life to Him, prayed to Him, cast aside my distractions, and fought to grow... why does He choose to be completely silent? Why choose *me* to be the one who has no godly partner to stand beside?
There are so many single, loving Christian women out there constantly asking, "Where are all the Christian men?" But from my own lived experience, I know the painful reality. They don’t just want a Christian man. They want a Christian man who checks off every single one of their worldly, superficial boxes. I don’t fit those boxes—and it has absolutely nothing to do with anything spiritual. It’s about earthly standards, and it leaves a real believer standing in the cold.
And moreover, I feel like it is just a bit unfair. Am I supposed to leave this life having always been lonely? I will always seek God, but we have to remember how we are built as humans. It says right at the very beginning, in Genesis, that it is not good for man to be alone. Living out that reality is really, really tough.
And I have this deep fear that if God *does* ever bring that person into my life further down the line, I will have spent so much time completely alone that I won't even know how to handle it anymore. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I want to be able to handle a relationship—but when you haven't ridden a bicycle in four or five years, getting back on that bike is going to be incredibly tough. If it had only been a short time, it would be easier. That is my analogy, and it’s the truth of how I feel.
I always say "in God's timing, not human timing." But I just find myself asking—asking God—to just give me a win. Allow me to at least show that I can handle a Christian relationship with a woman. If I encounter her, I will gladly marry her. That is my goal. I don't want to date and date and date, going from person to person. I just want that good Christian woman, to settle down with her, marry her, and lead what is left of my life until I die. I don't want to die alone. I really don't want that. It would be so incredibly sad.
But that leaves me with the other side of this. If God genuinely wants me to be alone for the rest of my life, He could at least remove the desire from me. Because I have this constant desire, this deep longing to be in a relationship with a godly woman. If He has a plan where that is never going to happen, then please, just take away the desire.
But still, the yearning remains.
This has been Andrew, just telling the absolute frustrations of my life.
